A Letter to My Absent Father


It is 2 days before the end of 2011 and it's been a long time coming for me to clear this heaviness from my heart...

For the last 42 years, I have always hoped that one day you would come into my life and become the daddy that I had always wished for.  One who would put me on his lap, hug me and shower me with kisses all over my face until my smile made my own cheeks hurt.  One who would protect me from the world and make me feel completely safe, because I'd know my daddy would always be there. For years I waited.  But you never showed up. Finally, when I sought you out at age 25, although we were reunited there were still many questions that went unanswered.  Wasn't I good enough for you?  Why did you disappear when I was only months old and never return? Did you ever think about where I might be? Did you ever search for me? Where are the 8 siblings of mine you also fathered? Not only did you deny me of your presence, but you also have denied me the opportunity of meeting those whose veins contain the same blood as mine.

This is the last year I will carry the burden of the being an abandoned child.  No more misdirected anger for the lack of being able to direct it towards you. I am finished blaming you for all of my feelings of insecurities. I will let go of all the baggage I have carried in your name. No more ruining relationships with men for fear of being left by them first. No more hurting those who didn't deserve to be hurt by me.  Searching for a man to give me all the love that I longed for from you but never received will now cease. Instead, I will stand tall with my head held high in confidence. I will begin to conquer my fears. I will learn how to stand alone and have faith in me!

I forgive you for being absent in my life. For you had no idea that I could one day become your biggest Blessing. You were either afraid of fatherhood, or thought my life would be better suited without you in it. I say we both missed out.  I thank you for the contribution that you were able to give that brought me into existence.  Had it not been for you the world would never have the opportunity to see and experience the talents that I have to give.  Some of which were probably even passed down through your lineage. For that I thank you as well. I hope that even without a formal introduction via you, that God will somehow allow my path to cross with at least one of my many brothers and/or sisters. Perhaps by some crazy miracle we'll pass each other on the street or on an elevator and recognize that we have strikingly similar features and make the connection.

I hope you are still living and well.  It has been years since we have spoken with one another and I always said that I wouldn't want to have to find out much later that you had passed away. We may have the opportunity to speak again, but I will not wait for that day, for I have wasted to many years already in vain.  I also know that you will probably never have the chance to ready this letter, but the thing is, I really didn't write it for you. I actually wrote it for me. So that I can move forward in my life.  Lastly, I don't believe I've ever told you that I loved you, but the truth is, I always have. I only wanted you to love me back.

May Peace Dwell Upon You.

Sincerely,
Your Long Lost Daughter

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